JOHN FOTHERINGHAM

As I approach my 45th birthday, I wanted to quickly jot down some of the life lessons, maxims, and guiding principles I’ve picked up so far. I could have waited until after my birthday to publish this, but I’m a sucker for palindromes (44 just feels so much better than boring old 45!). Plus, I wrote a version of this 11 years ago (33 Life Lessons Learned in 33 Laps Around the Sun), and wanted to keep up the tradition. Will be interesting to see what new lessons I pick up between now and 55…

1. Don’t settle for a partner or career that doesn’t light you up. There is no perfect job or person, but I do believe that there are ideal people and positions for everyone. When I met my now wife, it felt like two magnets snapping together. It still does ten years later. And I’ve felt the same way about my favorite jobs. As the character Roy Kent told Rebecca Welton in the Apple TV series Ted Lasso: “Don’t you dare settle for fine. You should feel like you’ve been struck by lightning.”
2. Realize that “mistakes” are often gifts. My wife and I took an epic trip to Europe last fall, including adventures in England, Scotland, Romania, and Slovakia.  There were multiple occasions that we took the wrong train, couldn’t find our bus, or made hundreds of other seeming “mistakes” in the moment. But nearly every single time this happened, we ended up enjoying little miracles and surprises we’d never have experienced had things “gone to plan.”
3. Seek a balance between order and chaos in your life. My wife and I LOVE travel. We greatly enjoy visiting new places, meeting new people, trying new foods, and learning new languages. But we also love being home where things are tidy, quiet, and cozy. The problem is having too much of either extreme (the exciting chaos of travel or the comforting order of home) quickly drains us. It’s both/and, not either/or.
4. Stay in one place long enough to grow roots. We moved four times in our first five years of marriage. Some of this was due to changing jobs, but most of it was simply itchy feet (see #3). We’ve now lived in the same city for six years, which is my longest stretch of living in one place since before I went to college! It has been wonderful to grow roots and finally integrate ourselves into a local community (something I couldn’t really do during my nomadic 20s and 30s).
5. Join a local sports team. I never understood the allure of ball sports when I was growing up. In my teens and twenties, I loved mountain biking and martial arts, but found basketball, football, and baseball wholly uninteresting. Then I discovered bicycle polo in my early 40s and was instantly hooked! It’s the most enjoyable cardio exercise I’ve ever found (basically sprinting for 2+ hours), and it comes with a built-in community since we usually hang out together after most games (the power of #4).
6. Hold informal reunions with friends from childhood or university. Last summer, a group of my college friends met up at a cabin on Mt. Hood for a weekend of laughter, catching up, reminiscing, and an epic game of Trivial Pursuit (1979s vs. 1980s). With jobs, distance, and an ever growing number of kids, it can be difficult to organize the gatherings. But somehow, we’ve managed to hold reunions at least once every 5 years or so. And it always fills our hearts to the brim.
7. Schedule boredom. Almost all the ideas in this post came to me while in the shower, sitting in the sauna, or going on walks or hikes. What do all of these have in common? ① I wasn’t listening to a podcast or audiobook. ② I didn’t have a device in my hand. If you’re not careful, your entire day can be filled with input and you’ll have no quiet time to think and connect ideas. It can be tempting to pop in headphones during walks and chores, but I try to get at least one full hour of zero outside input per day.
8. Be a crusader for kindness & conscientiousness. And speaking of headphones, if you are going to listen to something in a public place, please don’t use your phone speaker! Pop in some headphones and give the gift of silence to those around you. And here are two more tiny conscientious acts: ① Put your shopping cart away (propping it up on the curb does NOT count). ② Pick up litter on walks and hikes (large tongs/grabbers make it much easier and more sanitary).
9. Maintain epistemological humility. Realize that you don’t know as much as you think you do. And that the things you are most confident about, may be the very things you are most wrong about. This goes for scientists and experts, too. Despite mountains of contrary evidence, institutional momentum and economic incentives can make it extremely difficult to change course and admit misguided efforts. For more on this, read Pandora’s Lab: Seven Stories of Science Gone Wrong by Paul Offit.
10. Have the courage to change your mind. Remember back during the 2004 U.S. presidential election when W’s campaign labeled John Kerry as a “flip-flopper”? As if changing one’s positions on important issues were a bad thing? If new facts emerge that disprove your views, doubling down is a sign of hubris, not strength. As Albert Einstein said, “The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” Strong opinions are fine, but hold them loosely and follow the facts wherever they lead.
11. Resist group think. Groups “bind and blind” us. This feels really good to our hunter-gatherer brains. And it allows us to cooperate and accomplish amazing feats. But it can also lead to blind allegiance to dangerous ideas. So whenever you find yourself vehemently agreeing with the beliefs of your social, professional, spiritual, or political groups, take a moment to question creeds and sacred cows. Do you really believe what’s been taught or modeled? Did you choose your beliefs or simply inherit them?
12. Be skeptical of consensus. Many “sure things” humans agreed upon in the past have been later proven dead wrong (or at least incomplete). So be brave and question orthodoxies. You may be ridiculed, but with time and persistence, the truth will come to light. Of course, this doesn’t mean that all heterodox views are correct. Many are indeed bogus! But we shouldn’t assume something is true just because it’s believed by a lot of people (even those in white lab coats — see #13).
13. Learn how to spot bad research. The scientific method is one of the greatest tools we humans have to solve problems and improve lives. But so much of what is touted as “science” is but the detritus of shoddy research, hidden business interests, and shady politics. So learn how to read studies, spot biases (e.g. funding bias), and separate relative and absolute risk. Read Bad Science: Quacks, Hacks, and Big Pharma Flacks by Ben Goldacre.
14. Choose nuance & curiosity over comfort & certainty. Tim Ferriss often asks his podcast guests what they would put on a billboard that would be seen by millions. My answer would be one word: Nuance. In the face of increasing political polarity, economic turmoil, and religious conflict, it’s more important than ever to seek nuanced positions on complex issues. The truth is rarely comfortable nor crystal clear. So the more certain you are, the more you need to question your beliefs. (See #9-13)
15. Share stories, not facts. Packaging information into a compelling narrative not only helps us understand the information, but also remember it. Research has shown that stories are far more memorable than mere statistics, which makes sense given human history (we’ve been passing on wisdom through oral stories for hundreds of thousands of years). Facts matter, but people are moved by stories, not data.
16. Balance accuracy with efficacy. One of the most unfortunate aspects of modern science, academia, and business is that those who know the most are often the worst at communicating their knowledge. They’re all facts, no narrative. On the other extreme are those who willingly distort and exaggerate data for the sake of clicks and eyeballs. We need to find a middle ground where important discoveries are shared through engaging narratives without sacrificing accuracy.
17. Tell the truth. To your partner. To your employees. To yourself. As Richard Feynman said, “The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool.” It is so easy to hide inconvenient truths from ourselves. And it’s so common to tell palatable white lies (“He is stepping down to spend more time with his family”). Whether by omission or commission, lying is lying. Choose honesty instead.
18. Don’t avoid difficult conversations. Most of us will do everything we can to avoid pain and avoid causing others pain. While this is a perfectly understandable reflex, it often leads to the very thing we’re trying to avoid: more pain. As I’ve learned many times in my career, marriage, and friendships, the best things come after the hardest conversations. If you’ve messed up, admit it. If you want something, ask for it. True friendships are anti-fragile; they will not only survive—but improve—from honesty.
19. Make things as elegant and beautiful as possible. Like good storytelling, tasteful design helps important information shine. While ideas and information (what’s inside the box) may be most important, don’t underestimate the importance of nice wrapping paper. Well-designed documents, books, websites, etc. are more likely to be read, understood, and shared with others. So good design isn’t just mere aesthetics; it’s marketing.
20. Beware of cults hiding in plain sight. Contrary to popular belief, cults are not always obvious. Many of the most insidious cult-like groups don’t shave their heads or wear weird hats. In reality, a cult is any group that maintains authoritarian control over its members through controlling behavior, information, thoughts, and emotions (i.e. Steven Hassan’s BITE Model©). To learn more, read Combating Cult Mind Control and listen to the A Little Bit Culty podcast.
21. Learn to spot logical fallacies and cognitive biases in yourself and others. Humans are prone to a lengthy list of logical fallacies and cognitive biases. Even the most educated and accomplished are not immune to these thinking errors. Be especially aware of “false dilemmas” (binary thinking), “appeals to authority” (assuming validity based on someone’s status), and “availability bias” (overestimating likelihood or importance based on ease and immediacy of recall).
22. Trust your intuition (but verify). A lot has been written about the fallibility of human intuition and how what can seem intuitively correct can be factually wrong.  But that doesn’t mean we should always rely on slow, systematic, rational thinking. Such “type 2” thinking certainly has its place, but so does our fast, gut-level “type 1” thinking. Neither is “good” or “bad,” and both have pros and cons. We evolved both for a reason. Learn more in Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman.
23. Known thyself better with useful personality frameworks. I recently rewatched The Matrix with my wife, and was reminded of the sign in the Oracle’s kitchen that reads “Temet nosce” (“Know thyself”).  And one of the best ways I have found to better know myself is personality assessments like the Big Five, the Enneagram, Myers-Briggs, and The 4 Tendencies. Some of these aren’t very scientific, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t useful. As the say goes, “All models are wrong but some are useful.”
24. Mix your interests, skills, and talents across domains. I think that “stay in your lane” is one of the most harmful things you can tell someone. Maintain humility, yes (see #9), and don’t assume that just because you are an expert in one field that you will automatically be one in another. But don’t ever feel like you are stuck with any one academic or professional field. Some of the best ideas and innovations come from cross-pollinations between—and creative blending of—previously disparate domains.
25. Don’t be a gatekeeper. Likewise, don’t be a stingy gatekeeper of your own professional field or academic domain. Just because someone doesn’t have a degree in a given field doesn’t mean they can’t contribute novel insights. In fact, non-experts can sometimes be powerful allies in the search for truth since they are not encumbered with myopia and can look at a problem with sho-shin (初心, “beginner’s mind”).
26. Use the “great-grandmother test” to decide what to eat. I got certified as a “Nutritional Therapy Practitioner” (NTP) in 2015, and it was a fascinating journey into the intricacies of human nutrition. (I also met my wife in the class, so talk about good ROI!) Though we learned that humans can thrive on a diverse range of foods, highly-processed “frankenfoods” aren’t doing us any favors. If your great-grandmother wouldn’t recognize something as food, it’s probably not very good for you.
27. Realize that when you eat is just as important as what you eat. For years, I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. The result? A high body fat percentage and insulin resistance. I’ve now reversed this by trend by pulling on our two biggest nutritional levers. I changed: ① what I eat, and ② when I eat. I focus on eating real food (see #26), and frequent fasting: 18:6 most days, with a 72-hour fast once a month, and a 5-day fast starting on every solstice and equinox.
28. Understand the difference between glycogen and body fat. Your body stores extra energy in two primary forms: ① glycogen (a storage form of carbohydrates found in the liver and skeletal muscles), and ② triglycerides (fatty acids + glycerol stored as body fat). You can think of glycogen as food in the fridge (easiest to reach), and body fat as food in the chest freezer (still accessible, but harder to reach). The key: you won’t burn much of ② until you’ve mostly depleted ① through fasting and exercise.
29. Quit (or strictly limit!) caffeine, sugar, and alcohol. These substance may all be common in our modern world, but that doesn’t mean they are benign. For more on the dangers of each, read Caffeine Blues: Wake Up to the Hidden Dangers of America’s #1 Drug by Stephen Cherniske, The Case Against Sugar by Gary Taubes, and Quit Like a Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alcohol by Holly Whitaker (despite the name, I found it very useful for men, too).
30. Delete your social media accounts. Though social media has a few redeeming qualities, the juice is NOT worth the squeeze. It’s designed to be maximally addictive through “variable rewards,” likes, and infinite scrolling. It causes (or at least worsens) anxiety and depression. And it’s fueling political polarization. If you need more convincing, read Ten Arguments for Deleting Your Social Media Accounts Right Now by Jaron Lanier.
31. Appreciate the power of paper. Though I use digital notes for storage, I much prefer paper for capture. Handwritten notes tend to be more conducive to creative thought and ideation than a screens, and some research has shown that we remember information better when we write it by hand instead of type it on a keyboard. But once written, I do transfer ideas, lessons, and tasks to digital tools (currently, a combination of Apple Notes, Apple Reminders, and Notion).
32. Become a digital minimalist. Minimalism is a great way to pare down belongings and free up more physical and psychological space for what matters most. But most of the attention has been paid to physical belongings. Since most people spend a great deal of time on devices today, it’s worth doing what we can to simplify our digital worlds, too. To that end, I highly recommend Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World by Cal Newport.
33. Reach B2 level in at least one foreign language. There is no denying the many advantages of learning a foreign language: more rewarding travel experiences, deeper connections with foreign friends, and even a better brain! But just learning a few words is not enough to reap these rewards. The real magic kicks in when you reach “conversational fluency,” an upper-intermediate level designated as “B2” in the Common European Framework of Reference for Languages (CEFR).
34. Bring foreign languages to you using “anywhere immersion.” Though going abroad can be a profoundly transformative experience (living in Japan, Bangladesh, and Taiwan changed my life in innumerable ways), it’s no longer a requirement for learning a language through immersion. Today, anyone with an internet connection and a little creativity can reach a high level of fluency anywhere in the world. See my site Anywhere Immersion for tips on exactly how to do this.
35. Treat debt as an emergency. Debt may be common, but that doesn’t mean it’s benign. Instead of reaping the rewards of compound interest through investing in low-cost index funds, you are allowing credit companies to earn compound interest off of you. As Mr. Money Mustache argues, debt is not “something you work on.” Instead, you should treat it as “a HUGE, FLAMING EMERGENCY!” A problem you should think of as “a swarm of killer bees covering every inch of your body!”
36. Build a $1,000 cash emergency fund. When my wife and I got married, I was $66K in debt (a mix of credit cards and loans). 😬 We managed to pay it all off in just 3 years by slashing our spending (“defense”), boosting our income (“offense”), and creating an emergency fund. This last piece was particularly important: without it, I would have fallen back into the bad habit of using credit for emergencies and unforeseen expenses. Which is largely what got me into debt in the first place!
37. You don’t need to have children or pets to be happy. My wife and I love kiddos, cats, and dogs, but have decided not to have any ourselves. Instead, we enjoy being aunt and uncle to our nieces and nephews, and providing free childcare, pet sitting, and support to our siblings and friends with kids and fur babies (something we wouldn’t have the time or money for if we had our own children or pets).
38. Choose a healthy balance between weight, comfort, and cost when biking or backpacking. I love the outdoors, and go mountain biking and camping every chance I get. I’ve used both high-end ultra-light equipment and heavier, budget-friendly options, and have concluded that ultralight gear is simply not worth the higher expense and loss of comfort and durability. But it is worth investing in solid mid-tier equipment. For example, I currently ride a Trek Roscoe 8, which I absolutely love.
39. Get to know your shadow. In Jungian psychology, the “shadow” refers to the unconscious or repressed aspects of your psyche. We all have buried and unacknowledged emotions and desires, and the more honest we can be about what we truly want and feel deep down (see #17), the happier and healthier we can become. For me, this has meant integrating more of my masculine side and learning that anger is not a “bad” emotion (though it does need to be channeled in a healthy way).
40. Maintain healthy polarity in your sexual relationships. In our pursuit of gender equality (good), we have unfortunately been moving toward sexual sameness (not so good). As David Deida puts it in The Way of the Superior Man, “Bank accounts are balancing while passions are fizzling out.” If you want to maintain the spark with your partner, sameness is not your friend. For tips on maintaining healthy polarity, read Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel.
41. Realize that attraction to other people is not betrayal. You and your significant other will inevitably be attracted to other people from time to time. This is perfectly natural and it doesn’t mean you aren’t a good match or that you are a bad person. But feeling attraction and acting on it are very different things. You can’t control how you feel but you can control how you act. And part of taking responsibility for your actions is telling the truth to your partner about past and current crushes (#17-18).
42. Manage your urges & instincts to be happy, healthy & wealthy in the modern world. Our genes are adapted to an extremely different environment from the one we now find ourselves. What once maximized our chances to feed and breed, now leads to misery, obesity, addiction, debt, and poverty. In a world of abundance (food, entertainment, and potential sexual partners), health, wealth, and happiness often requires doing the exact opposite of what your DNA urges you to do.
43. Happiness and fulfillment come from living in accordance with your values. There are thousands of ways to increase the quantity of happiness in your life (I’ve shared many above). But here is one guaranteed way to ensure sadness and depression: live contrary to your values. Abandon your principles. Do things that make you lose self-respect. Choose instant gratification over long-term meaning. Lie. Cheat. Steal. Hat tip to my friend Kris Broholm for this insight.
44. Balance the long-term and short-term. The most valuable things in life come from compound interest: wealth, health, and wisdom. And compounding takes time to accrue (often 10 years or more!). But patience is not the same thing as inaction; to reap later rewards you have to act today and every day. As James Clear puts it, “Long-term thinking is not slow acting. Act fast on things that compound. Never let a day pass without doing something that will benefit you in a decade.”